


Sour Gummies and Candy Cigarettes

by tutty172



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A lot of Candy, Candy, Cigarettes, Drugs, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Panic Attack, Plans of suicide, Punk!Evan, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Drug Use, also its not really treebros its just them kinda being cute, cotton candy and hunters au, emo!evan, pastel!connor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-03-01 08:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13290879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tutty172/pseuds/tutty172
Summary: Evan Hansen was planning on killing himself tonight. Connor Murphy unknowingly saves him.





	Sour Gummies and Candy Cigarettes

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Do you have one in blue?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13246956) by [Time2dancecpj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Time2dancecpj/pseuds/Time2dancecpj). 



> Hi! My first work for DEH and it's an au that stole my soul and its cursed yet so blessed I love it. The au is, if you couldn't tell from the tags, is called Cotton Candy and Hunters au by softmushie on tumblr! Also, heed the tags! If there are any trigger warnings that I forgot, please tell me! This work is also inspired by Time2dancecpj's fic for the same au, called 'Do you have one in blue?'"

'a tree stayed perfectly in the forest, no one around, no one to bother it.  
_trees stay like that, with nobody around._  
_a bluebird, tired from flying, tired from life, lands on the branch of a single tree._  
_bluebirds ruin the silence, the serenity of the quiet trees._  
_the tree now has weight, something bringing the branch down, something it didn't want._  
_something nobody wants._  
_the bluebird realizes what it has done, a crime to be punished._  
_it must be punished._  
_the tree hates the bluebird, much like the entire forest._  
_it hates anyone that brings it down._  
_the bluebird tries, tries its best to fly away, to apologize._  
_it gets three inches off of the branch._  
_the tree is happier now, the bluebird is gone, there is nothing to bother it._  
_it is better off._  
_the bluebird is unable to fly._  
_and it falls._ '

Evan sighed as he clicked print, feeling his eyes sting a bit at letting out his emotions, but not allowing himself to cry. When he was in bed by himself, alone, maybe. Right now, in the computer lab at school? Fuck no. He had a reputation to uphold. He cuffed up the collar of his leather jacket and signed out of the computer.  


He got up out of his chair, not bothering to put it back right now, and headed towards the printer to pick up his therapy assignment, which he definitely failed. It was originally going to be a letter to himself listing all of the ways that the day to come would be amazing. "Dear Evan Hansen, today's going to be a good day, and here's why." That kind of bullshit. He argued with Dr. Sherman about instead creating poetry to express his inner feelings, something he had done before but would not admit to anyone, and Dr. Sherman agreed. Evan guessed that his therapist didn't want it this dark, but what can you do? It didn't matter anyway, after tonight, anyway. He would be long gone, thanks to the pills in his mother's medicine cabinet. It would actually work this time, not just give him a broken arm and a cast, which he still fucking had.  


"Is this yours?" he heard a voice say, bringing him out of his thoughts. Connor Murphy, the guy he pushed down earlier, which he regretted. "I found it on the printer, and I saw you there, so I assumed-"  


"What the fuck do you want?" Evan snapped, ignoring the guilt the sentence immediately filled him with.  


"I'm sorry, it's just-" the guy held out the paper, which Evan recognized as his poem 

"You didn't read it, did you?" Evan asked, trying to hide his voice from becoming too fearful, though he was full of it. Oh god, no one was supposed to see that. No one was supposed to read it, that was private. God fucking damn it Evan, this is what happens when you let down your guard at school why do you have to be such a fuck up sometimes-  


Evan interrupted his own thoughts by snatching the paper from Connor's hands, and ran out of the computer lab, wanting to go anywhere, anywhere but there. He ran into the nearest bathroom and just wanted to be alone.  


Evan felt like he was dying like his heart hurt and he just _didn't want to deal with it anymore_ he didn't want to deal with _anything_ , and why couldn't Connor have just left the paper there and not read it and-  


"Hello? Evan? Are you in here?"  


Oh god was that Connor? Evan didn't say anything, instead choosing to put his head down and try to slow his breathing even though he felt like he couldn't breathe like he couldn't do anything.  


"Can I touch you?" he heard Connor ask.  


"F-f-fuck o-off!" Evan stuttered, trying to put on a mask of confidence like he wasn't just having a panic attack.  


"I'm not going to leave you alone right now."  


Evan just stayed with his head down, not wanting to say anything, but just wanting Connor to leave him alone, he could deal with this himself and he didn't need someone taking pity on him and telling him what to do!  


"Look at me," Connor commanded.  


"G-get the fuck away from me!" Evan said, desperately trying to wipe away tears to no avail.  


"Look at me," Connor commanded again, this time stronger.  


Evan, still trying desperately to calm his breathing, but feeling like he just couldn't, and that it was impossible, lifted his head up from his knees, not looking at Connor, but looking to the side of him.  


"At me," Connor said, softer this time.  


Evan reluctantly complied.  


"Now look at my chest, and breathe when I breathe, okay?" Connor said, starting to exaggerate his breathing, moving his chest up and down. Evan tried his best to reciprocate, to breathe in and out and in and out like Connor, and after what seemed like forever, Evan could breathe normally again.  


"Do you want to talk about what happened?" Connor asked, tilting his head slightly.  


'I don't need your fucking pity,' Evan wanted to say but didn't. After what Connor just did, he didn't have the heart in him to do that. He just shook his head instead, not daring his vocal chords to not make a snide comment.  


"Do you want your paper back? Sorry, it, uh, kinda ripped," Connor asked, holding out what seemed like half of a paper, typed words on it. It was Evan's poem, the one nobody was supposed to see.  


"No one was supposed to see that," Evan said, reaching out and taking it carefully. "Not even my therapist."  


"I'm sorry, I saw it and immediately started to-"  


"It's fine," Evan stated, uprising himself. He looked up at the Connor, in the eye, green to a mismatched blue and brown. "Thank you."  


"It's no problem, really." Connor glanced down at Evan's cast. "How'd you break your arm?"  


Oh great. Fuck, should Evan lie or-  


"I fell out of a tree." What the fuck? It was like Evan couldn't lie to Connor, he just blurted out the truthful thing that was on his mind.  


"You fell? Out of a tree?" Connor asked, sounding like he pitied Evan instead of sympathetic.  


"I know, isn't it just the saddest fucking thing you've ever heard?" Evan deadpanned.  


"Can I sign it?" Connor asked, ignoring Evan's comment and poitning to the cast.  


"What? You don't have to-"  


"Do you have a sharpie?"  


Evan said nothing, instead, reaching into his pocket and pulled out the marker he snuck into his pocket. He was sure that no one was going to ask, and he told himself that he couldn't hope in the morning, but it was in his pocket nevertheless.  


Connor took the sharpie and looked at it with a 'Nah' expression on his face. He went into his messenger bag and pulled out a light pink pencil bag with a few stickers on it, and pulled out a green sharpie. Evan held out his arm to Connor, the leather jacket not covering the cast.  


Connor signed the cast, his name covering an entire side of it in a green 'CONNOR'. Connor giggled, saying "Now we both have a new friend!"  


Evan looked at Connor with a small, confused smile on his face. "You wanna be friends with me?"  


"Of course!" He looked up at Evan, a large smile on his face. "You like nature right?"  


Evan nodded, curious at what Connor was going to do next.  


Connor took out a few more sharpies from his bag and began to doodle. He drew vines and flowers and made the cast into one big giant nature scene. It was breathtaking on how good it looked, especially on a rough cast.  


"I'm sorry," Evan blurted out once Connor almost ran out of room to doodle.  


"For what?" Connor asked, not looking up from the cast.  


"For being a dick to you this morning, and in the computer lab," Evan said, getting smaller and looking away, biting on his one lip ring he had gotten to rebel against his mom.  


Connor looked up at Evan, a soft smile on his face. "I forgive you."  


Evan said nothing and smiled.  


Then, he became hyper-aware that they were just together on the bathroom floor. And he remembered what he had planned to do later today, and his smile fell. Well, might as well end his last day alive on a good note right?  


"Why are you being so nice to me? I was horrible to you," he blurted out, letting his anxiety get the best of him.  


"And I forgive you. I'm nice to you because I want to be, Evan." Connor looked up at Evan and smile, capping his sharpie. "All done."  


Evan smiled as he looked it over, completely filled with color and ruining his aesthetic, but it was nice. He loved it. "Thank you."  


Connor pointed to a part of the cast that Evan didn't notice. It was a number, written in green and hidden in the vines and flowers of his cast.  


"That's my number. Call me or text me anytime you'd like." He pointed to another number, this time in a pastel pink. "And, I'm sorry, but there's a good suicide hotline text number. It's really helped me, at least," he said, softness in his voice.  


Evan looked at Connor in shock. "O-okay. Th-thank you," he said, silently cursing his stutter coming back.  


"I'll see you tomorrow?" Connor asked, standing up, slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder, already having put his sharpie bag inside it, and holding his hand out to Evan.  


Evan didn't say anything, remembering the pills in his mom's medicine cabinet. He just took Connor's hand, pulling himself up from the floor.  


"What's your favorite candy?" Connor asked, moving out of the bathroom.  


"W-what?" Evan said, looking at Connor in surprise and confusion. Why would Connor want to know Evan's favorite...candy? He tried to think back to the last candy he had in general.  


"What's your favorite candy?" Connor repeated, giggling. "Mine are lollipops and hard candies." He dug into his messenger bag again and pulled out a Dum-Dum.  


"It's bubblegum flavor, my favorite," he explained, unwrapping it and putting it in his mouth, smiling.  


Evan smiled at Connor's adorableness-wait.  


Where the fuck did that come from?  


No, Evan wasn't going to fall for someone. Not today. He was not going to want to see Connor's long hair, filled with various hair clips, all of different colors, or his pastel pink sweatshirt, or his cute pastel vest with the little rainbow heart sewn on or his-  


God fucking damn it.  


"Evan?" Connor said, bringing Evan out of his thoughts.  


"Y-yeah?" God damn his stutter.  


"What's your favorite candy? I want to bring it to you tomorrow. Something for my new friend!"  


"Um…." Fuck.  


What was the last candy he had, in general? Quick, quick think of a response so he won't think you're a freak that doesn't even know they're favorite type of candy!  


"Surprise me," Evan said instead, trying to put a smile on his face. "Bring whatever you'd think I'd like. Maybe that'll be my new favorite."  


Connor giggled again, _damn that giggle_. "Okay, I'll try my best."  


They stopped and were back at the computer lab. Connor sheepishly reached into his messenger back and brought out a ripped, crumpled piece of paper with typed words on it. Evan read a single word and immediately recognized it as his poem.  


"You kind of ripped it when you ran off, so I thought you might want to print it out again. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have read it," Connor apologized, holding out the piece of paper to Evan.  


"It's fine, just, it was really private," Evan said, taking the paper from Connor. "No one was supposed to see it, much less read it," he admitted.  


Connor gave a half-smile. "Just text those numbers if you need anything. You can always text or call me, I promise."  


"You better keep that promise."  


"I will."

* * *

That night, Evan quietly made his way to the bathroom. Why quietly? He wasn't sure. Heidi wasn't home anyway. He slowly opened the cabinet and saw what he was looking for: the sleeping pills. Though Evan didn't want to admit it to his mom, as he knew they were already running low on money at this point, he was running out of meds, and the few pills that he had wasn't going to do the trick. He took them and went to his room. 

" _Dear Mom,_  
_I'm sorry. I love you._  
_Evan Hansen._ "  


" _Dear Jared,_  
_You helped. You really did, but I'm really sorry. Guess that last 'see ya' was a lie. Sorry._  
_Evan Hansen._ " 

" _Dear Connor,_ " 

Evan hesitated. Did he really want to write a note to Connor? He had only met him that day. Then again.… 

" _I'm sorry. I bet I would've loved the candy._  
_Evan Hansen._ " 

He left the notes on his desk and read over them one last time, getting them wet with tears. Fuck, he was crying. He shook his head. He wanted to do this, everyone would just be better off without him. No more stares. No more therapy and pills to pay. No more pity cases. 

He left the house, all of the pills in hand, and headed to the last place he wanted to see before he died. 

While walking, he thought of what he was about to do. The more steps he took, the more the pills rattled in his jacket pocket, the more his brain worked, the more he was unsure about what he was going to do. Was it really for the best? He pulled out the packet of cigarettes from his other pocket and got one, lighting it and putting it in his mouth. He needed this right now. 

"Evan!" he heard, making his head snap up and look around at who called his name. Then, he spotted the pastel burst of color and knew who it was. Fuck. 

Connor made his way over to Evan, his smile falling as he got closer. 

' _See what you do? You made Connor, who always has a smile on his face, frown. You fucking deserve to die,_ ' his mind told him. 

"Evan, I was just heading to the candy store, and I was wondering if you'd like to pick out your candy. You can have it early!" Connor said, coughing a little, probably from the cigarette smoke. 

Fuck. Evan smoking so close to Connor means that Connor was inhaling some of it, and if that was happening then Connor was probably going to get lung cancer and die and it would all be Evan's fault because he couldn't control his damn nicotine problem- 

"Sure," he said, interrupting his own thoughts. He tapped the cigarette in his fingers, letting some of the ash fall to the ground. 

Connor smiled and started walking, Evan walking beside him, and they made their way to the candy store, Evan forgetting about the pills in his pocket, leaving that hand out. Connor looked down at Evan, and took his hand, _god was this boy trying to kill Evan?_

They walked in silence, hand in hand, with Evan, silently finishing his cigarette, feeling guilty everytime Connor coughed, even if he tried to hide it. Once they got in front of a shop named 'Heathers', Evan was finished with his cigarette and threw it away in a random trashcan, and Connor threw away his lollipop stick, as he was finished with it. The two boys went into the candy store, and Evan was immediately hit with the smell of sugar, _boy was that strong_. 

Connor smiled and waved at the cashier, who seemed like they were acquainted with each other. He must frequent this place often, as he seemed like he already knew the place, dragging Evan to a specific place. 

"These are the sour gummies, I think you'll like them, though I took a wild guess," Connor said, motioning to the assortment of candies and smiling proudly. 

Evan looked up at the sign, which said not to eat the candy unless you've already bought it, and put a few in a plastic bag, cursing to himself that he didn't bring money with him on this candy adventure. 

"Oh, come on, it's per bag, might as well fill it up, silly!" Connor said, laughing at Evan only putting three gummies in a bag before going to tie it. Evan put more sour gummies in, of every color, until the bag was full and he had to tie it. Connor thought for a moment, then took Evan's arm to another place. 

"I've read somewhere that peppermint and mint candies can help with smoking and nicotine so," Connor reached the part of the store he wanted to take Evan to and grabbed a container. "I thought you might want some of these." He handed a pack of Altoids to Evan, also gesturing to the variety of other mints the store had. 

Evan didn't know what to say, other than a dumb, "thank you." Sure, it wasn't that much, but it warmed his cold, dead heart to know that someone cared about him, enough to actively help him quit the horrible habit he had. 

"Oh! Also," Connor walked a bit to another part of the store and came back, holding something that looked suspiciously like a cigarette packet. They sold cigarettes at the candy store? What the fuck? 

Once Connor actually handed them to Evan, he saw that they were fake. They were those candy cigarettes that you could get at the ice-cream truck. Evan looked up at Connor, a genuine smile on his face. "Thank you, C-Connor. I-it, uh, means a lot," he said, cursing his stutter that made the sentence not seem genuine. Connor simply smiled and nodded, taking Evan's arm and bringing him to the cashier. 

Fuck. Evan didn't have money. Evan didn't have money and now Connor was going to hate him because who goes into a store and grabs stuff and doesn't have the money to pay for it? Now Connor was going to think that Evan was just a low-lying scam artist who was a rich greedy asshole who just waltzes into stores thinking that he owns the place and steals stuff and- 

"Evan." 

Evan's head snapped up, he didn't realize that he was clenching the candy bag so hard, or the fake cigarette box. 

"Put your stuff on the counter," Connor said, his voice soft. 

"I-I can't," Evan said. He couldn't move. He couldn't pay for his own stuff and now he couldn't move and Connor was going to think that Evan was an asshole and a freak all at once and Evan was going to die alone- 

Oh right. Evan became all too aware of the pills in his right pocket. It weighed him down like he weighed everyone else down. 

Connor gently took the stuff from his hands and put them on the counter so the cashier could scan them, all while Evan was stuck, while Evan was a failure who couldn't pay for his own candy and couldn't even have basic social interactions right. Evan Hansen, the failure, who deserved to die, to kill himself. 

Next thing he knew, he was out of the store, with Connor hugging him. 

Wait, what? 

Finally snapping to his senses, Evan hugged back, a small smile on his face. 

When Connor finally pulled away, both boys had a huge grin on their faces, with Evan's face being completely red. "So, wanna try those new candies?" Connor asked, a mischievous look on his face. Evan nodded, copying Connor's mischievous expression and allowed himself to be dragged by Connor to who knows where. 

When they finally stopped, they were at a giant house. "My house," Connor explained as they walked up the steps and Connor rummaged through his bag to find his keys, which looked like they had a million keychains on them. 

"This place is huge," Evan said, awestruck as they walked through the front door. His own house was amazingly tiny, the best he and his mom could do with the money they were able to scrape up, with his mom always working. 

"Do you want a tour?" Connor asked, giggling. 

Evan shook his head, still looking around the room in awe. "I have a feeling that I would get lost or overwhelmed. Or both." 

"Then to my room we go!" Connor said, taking Evan's arm once more and bringing him up the stairs and into a pastel room, with a light pink and purple aesthetic everywhere. Connor sat cross-legged at the head of his bed, patting the comforter in front of him for Evan to sit down, which he did, but hung his legs over the bed, not putting his shoes actually on the bed. 

Connor opened the bag of sour gummies and handed one to Evan, who graciously took it and popped it in his mouth and _holy shit those were amazing._

Connor must've seen the look on Evan's face, because he giggled, and popped one into his mouth, and consequently made a face, as it was too sour. "Ah!" he exclaimed, once all of the sour powder was gone and he was left with the sweet gummy. "The yellow ones are really sour." 

Evan laughed and fished inside the bag, taking out a sour one and putting it into his mouth, chewing it with no reaction except a smile. 

"No fair! Your taste buds are different then mine," Connor complained, taking another gummy and eating it, making the same face as before, making Evan laugh. God, he was adorable. 

'Evan, stop thinking gay thoughts about someone you just met,' he thought, knowing he was right. 

But damn, Connor Murphy was just so damn cute. 

After an hour of them trying to guess the flavors of each gummy without looking at the color, Evan's jacket was off, Connor's vest was off, both boys were sitting cross-legged on the bed, and they had finished all of the gummies in the bag. 

"Aw." Connor said once he reached in the bag and there was nothing but powder left. He looked up at Evan, the same mischievous smile on his face as there was before. "Betcha I can eat the rest of the powder without flinching," he said. 

Evan laughed. "You couldn't go through eating a single gummy without flinching!" 

Connor looked in Evan's eyes, defiance clear in them, and dumped the power from the bag in his mouth…and made the face, which made Evan laugh. "I should of bet money," he said, disappointment evident in his voice, which earned a small push from Connor, along with a "shut up!" 

Damn, this was the most fun Evan had in a while. He decided that he liked being with Connor, the pastel dream. Evan checked the time on his phone. Shit, his mom will be back from work soon. "Uh, I g-gotta head out, sorry," he said, picking up his leather jacket and putting it on. 

"I can walk you to your house if you'd like," Connor offered, giving him a soft smile. 

Evan returned the smile. "I'd like that." 

After putting his shoes back on, and making sure he had his candy cigarettes and Altoids, the pair set off for Evan's house, in a completely different neighborhood. Evan checked the time again, Heidi would be home in about thirty minutes. He figured it was enough time. Plus, he didn't want to rush Connor, who was already kind enough to walk him home. 

As they walked, they talked about random stuff. What classes they liked the best, their hobbies, how Connor got so good at drawing, the story of Evan's lip piercing. By the time they reached Evan's house in a pretty poor neighborhood, Evan would admit, the two boys knew so much about each other. 

"Text me," Connor said with a smile as Evan went inside his house. 

"I will." 

Evan locked the door and remembered what he had left in his room, thanking whatever was up there that his mom wasn't home yet. She would've freaked. He went into his room and found the notes exactly where he left them. 

He ripped them up, and threw them in the trashcan, and returned the pills to the medicine cabinet, taking out a candy cigarette and putting it in his mouth. It was a gum. Chewing on it, Evan decided to make an addition to the poem he made this morning. He opened up his laptop and saw the poem he had written in his Google Docs. 

' _a tree stayed perfectly in the forest, no one around, no one to bother it._  
_trees stay like that, with nobody around._  
_a bluebird, tired from flying, tired from life, lands on the branch of a single tree._  
_bluebirds ruin the silence, the serenity of the quiet trees._  
_the tree now has weight, something bringing the branch down, something it didn't want._  
_something nobody wants._  
_the bluebird realizes what it has done, a crime to be punished._  
_it must be punished._  
_the tree hates the bluebird, much like the entire forest._  
_it hates anyone that brings it down._  
_the bluebird tries, tries it best to fly away, to apologize._  
_it gets three inches off of the branch._  
_the tree is happier now, the bluebird is gone, there is nothing to bother it._  
_it is better off._  
_the bluebird is unable to fly._  
_and it falls._ '

Evan wrote three more lines. 

' _it falls, down to the ground, and meets another bluebird._  
_and together, they lift off the ground._  
_and they fly._ '

Evan smiled, and closed the laptop, deciding to print it out tomorrow at school.  


Yeah, that was right.  


Tomorrow.


End file.
